Dino Whitman: [about Zoe] Do you think she's hot?
Michael Whitman: I don't care if it's Cheryl Tiegs!
Dino Whitman: Who?

"Have anything to say, Ben? A cheating mom? petrified penis?"

Dino Whitman: [after noticing that Ben had blown off chicks] Hey, what if Ben's gay?
Jonathan Fields: [chuckles] Ben gay.

Dino Whitman: [after being kicked out of Jackie's party] I have to talk to Jackie!
Ben Conner: Keep on walking!
Jonathan Fields: I think I broke my eye.

Max Whitman: [cuts Jonathon off of going to the restroom after Dino] I got to go!
Dino Whitman: He's a good little monkey!
Jonathan Fields: Hey, what the... [opening credits]

Jonathan Fields: [on his cellphone in the drugstore] Hello?
Dino Whitman: What's up, Jonathan? Hey, you want to come meet me at Jackie's game?
Jonathan Fields: No, uh, I "got stuff going on." [pause] I'm gonna get laid!
Dino Whitman: What?
Jonathan Fields: Sex! I'm gonna get me some sex!
Dino Whitman: Some slacks?
Jonathan Fields: No, sex! *Sex*!

"Maybe I do have a problem."

"Congratulations, the two of you have actually made sex talk boring."

Dino Whitman: I have to talk to you.
Jackie Bradford: About what?
Dino Whitman: It's about Zoe.
Jackie Bradford: Oh, my God, Dino. Don't tell me that you got her pregnant.
Dino Whitman: Actually, not even close.

"OK, I better go now before my mascara starts to run.

Dino Whitman: Look, you really want to get back together with her, just be honest with her.
Jonathan Fields: About what?
Dino Whitman: Everything. With friends, it's the only way.
Ben Conner: I love you.
Dino Whitman: Shut up, okay? I know what I'm talking about.

"I'm being so honest it hurts."

Dino Whitman: Where's the milk?
Annie Whitman: Put it away.
Dino Whitman: Ma!

"It's what I've learned, so shut up and listen."